Chapter 16: This Much I Know So Far
“Here we are, you and I, and I hope that Christ makes a third with us. No one can interrupt us now... So come now, dearest friend, reveal your heart and speak your mind.”
Pilgrimage is both a physical journey outward as well as deep dive inward. It requires posture and presence and the two are mutually interdependent. We have to intentionally decide that we are making the journey, that we are stepping out of the ordinary places and spaces of our lives to move in a new direction and take a different path.
Submitting my application for Seminary was the first step for me to acknowledge that I was longing for something new. I needed to leave behind the damaged religious experiences of my past and believe that something new was possible. And as I stepped into the beige and brown classroom on that September 2011 fall day, not entirely certain that this was even the right decision, I took the first steps of what would turn out to be a 10-year pilgrimage traversing through landscapes I could never have imagined.
There were many doubts and setbacks along the way…hostile encounters, moments of panic and loss, times of loneliness and feeling misunderstood, three years of self-imposed exile.
But there were also times that I felt the blazing warmth of the sun in my heart and soul, times of enlightenment and bold discussions that were juciy and generous. Friendships with professors, opportunities to share what I was learning with friends and strangers, exposure to writers and ideas that were fascinating and formative. And encounters with my heavenly Father, my beloved Saviour, my ever-present Spirit that were at times so profound that words cannot adequately convey their beauty and richness.
Often the reasons we start out on our journey are not necessarily the same as when we near the end. Truthfully, we are changed at every stage of the journey…the start, the middle, the arrival at our destination and then the return journey back to where we began. Each stage has it own lessons to learn. And to experience them all as an integrated whole requires commitment, resilience and determination to seeing it through.
I started out enrolling in Seminary wanting to prove to those who dismissed me that I had what it took to break through the stained glass barriers to full inclusion in spritual leadership and development. I wanted to be better than them and smarter than them.* But I ended up finishing Seminary for me…so I could look back on that journey and see how I had grown and matured, how it had shaped me in important and life-giving ways and that I was created and called to flourish in public and practical theological places and spaces.
Deciding to revisit the actually places of my own personal journey was important to me. Places hold memories, they shape our thinking and we carry around those memories in our mind, our body and our soul, for better or for worse. For 3 years after the trauma of leaving the church I was rooted in for 40 years, I could not even drive close to that area of the city as my body would start shaking uncontrollably with fear.
It felt important to physically see those places again and reframe some of the experiences I associated with them. Since each of these places are all within an hours drive from my house, I am literally surrounded by my history every single day.
And while these places are not sacred or holy in and of themselves, they represent important spiritual markers in my life. “For me, the sacred is always the revelation of the real, an encounter with that which saves us by giving meaning to our existence.” (1)
When I traveled back with a pilgrimage mindset, I experienced these places and memories with fresh eyes. I took with me items from my past connected to each place so I could tangibly take myself back to the age and stage where I lived, worshipped or worked. It was emotional at times to lovingly hold my childhood dolls and my first bible; the mug I made at summer camp; my teaching bible; my greek flashcards; my journals. With each item I carried, each place I stopped, each time I walked around the buildings and streets, I invited the Holy Spirit to guide my thoughts and hold with care my memories.
The mystery of God’s presence in human pain will always comfort and confound me.
Completing my degree feels satisfying. Being immersed in this pilgrimage project for the past 6 months has been exhausting but it has also been a wonderfully creative endeavour. I have read several books, reviewed dozens of articles and websites. I have looked at hundreds of images and photos and written over 12,000 words (imagine that!). I have reframed past experiences, responded with kindness to myself when recalling difficult memories and I have found a kindred spirit in the life and writings of the incomparable Margery Kempe.
I am still restless and searching for a vibrant spiritual community. Perhaps that will be my next pilgrimage. I need a few months to let the lessons from this particular journey settle in my soul before I can consider my next undertaking.
Pilgrimage requires intentionality and purpose. Ponder, meditate and be clear about why you are going oaths journey. Seek wisdom from others but ultimately trust your God-given intuition and take that first step.
It will cost you. You must be willing to leave behind that which you love, that which you lost and that which weighs you down. And along the journey you may find yourself being stripped down even more. Lean into it. It may have served a purpose for a time but be ready to now let it go.
Pilgrimage is rarely a straight forward path and it will have stops and starts. Be prepared for detours and view them not as failures or pointless disruptions, but as opportunities for new learning to emerge.
It is a lonely journey at times, but there are many who have gone before you and those you have asked to acompany you, even if they are present only in your thoughts and prayers. Yes, it is an individual journey but it is a collective experience. Allow that truth to give you courage and stamina when you feel like giving up or the road seems too steep.
Like the spritual practice of walking the labyrinth, the pilgrim’s journey does not stop when you arrive at your destination. At the centre of the labyrinth, you must turn around and make your way back to the place where you started. So too are you required to turn around and make your way back home. Arrival at the destination is important. But the journey back home is as much a part of the pilgrimage as was the journey forward.
How will you now tell your story to others?
What are taking with you from this journey into a new way of being?
What have you learned?
What have you needed to unlearn?
“The Road goes ever on and on down from the door where it began. Now far ahead the Road has gone, and I must follow if I can. Pursuing it with eager feet, until it joins some larger way where many paths and errands meet. And whither then? I cannot say.”